With my successful IVF round getting pregnant with Miss A I smelt gas from a tiny leak in a soda stream across the room three days before my blood test. I had boobs so sore it hurt to wear a bra, HOWEVER, it was my fourth round, I was convinced of the placebo effect and way too scared to jinx it by daring to think that I may have succeeded in growing life. So I shut the feelings down and wouldn't let myself think about it. I look back now and wish I had enjoyed the wondering, the 'maybe', the 'what if' questioning and allowing myself to float off into nursery decorating heaven. It's fun. Dreaming is fun. In a process that's not always very fun, I should have let myself have some. It's ok to dream and then be hurt if the blood test disappoints....and lets be honest - it will hurt anyway.
So this week, although most spare time is consumed with toddler life antics and I don't have much time to 'ponder', I have let myself pick names, fantasise about newborn snuggles and imagine Miss A with a little playmate as she plays in the sand. I'm dreaming big. Expanding family big. I've got no sore boobs, no heightened sense of smell but I have hope. It might not be enough but for now - I'm holding on. And hey, if I'm disappointed by the blood test, we will try again :).