After an embryo transfer the waiting game is excruciatingly long. You are supposed to wait for your blood test. Sometimes it's too early you see. OR, the medication you are on can provide a false positive. You won't necessarily get an accurate result. Don't test, don't test, don't test. But you do. Everyday. Unless you reason with yourself that holding onto the hope a little longer will bring you closer to the reality....so I don't test, I just hope. I hope hard. I am the one who asks the question and am completely unprepared for the response.
With my successful IVF round getting pregnant with Miss A I smelt gas from a tiny leak in a soda stream across the room three days before my blood test. I had boobs so sore it hurt to wear a bra, HOWEVER, it was my fourth round, I was convinced of the placebo effect and way too scared to jinx it by daring to think that I may have succeeded in growing life. So I shut the feelings down and wouldn't let myself think about it. I look back now and wish I had enjoyed the wondering, the 'maybe', the 'what if' questioning and allowing myself to float off into nursery decorating heaven. It's fun. Dreaming is fun. In a process that's not always very fun, I should have let myself have some. It's ok to dream and then be hurt if the blood test disappoints....and lets be honest - it will hurt anyway.
So this week, although most spare time is consumed with toddler life antics and I don't have much time to 'ponder', I have let myself pick names, fantasise about newborn snuggles and imagine Miss A with a little playmate as she plays in the sand. I'm dreaming big. Expanding family big. I've got no sore boobs, no heightened sense of smell but I have hope. It might not be enough but for now - I'm holding on. And hey, if I'm disappointed by the blood test, we will try again :).