IVF - My Journey Pt. 4 'First trimester fear'

Finding out I was pregnant 10 days post embryo transfer was such a massive high - HUGE! This meant I was 4-5 weeks pregnant by 'normal' standards. But said 'high' only lasted one week, an amazing 'can you believe we are pregnant' week before the dreaded 'first trimester fear' began to set in. 

I had experienced an early miscarriage prior to falling pregnant with Miss A and last week I had a bit of a scare. I knew I hadn't miscarried 'yet' but I was anticipating what I was now thinking was inevitable....in my panic I spoke to my specialist at 8pm and he told me to come in first thing in the morning. I spent the night staring at the ceiling, waiting for the dreaded painful cramps to start. I was scared to go to the bathroom, as if not going would impact on the outcome. In the morning we drove the 100km to the appointment in silence with husband squeezing my hand. My mind continued to assure me that we had definitely lost the baby. Numb.

I watched the doctors face instead of the scan and tried to clock his reaction in the micro seconds before he spoke. Tense jaw... definitely bad news. Then..... 'there is a strong fetal heartbeat there' - he pointed to the tiny white flickering on the screen. WHAT???? I'm pregnant?? IMMEDIATE TEARS. Husband may have spilled some too. It was like getting the news all over again. Prescribed 'bedrest' (puhlease - #toddlerlife) became self prescribed 'take it easi(er)'.

Along with all the elated feelings that go along with re-finding out you are pregnant, all I could think on the drive home was 'What the heck do we do to our poor little heads?!' Why is it that we go 12 weeks, 3 months, a quarter of a freaking year fearing the end of our pregnancy when it's only just begun??? Even without the 'scare'.  Being self- employed I don't have the associated 'work or employer' factor to consider but that aside, isn't it old-fashioned yet to be silently pregnant before the 12 week 'presumably safe' mark? Can't we just talk about it and celebrate it loudly and joyously before the belly gets too big to do the fabulous happy dance? Faith over fear, hope over despair.....

It's so common to be told not to announce a pregnancy until after 12 weeks. But WHY???? Doesn't this fear breed anxiety??? Don't we want calm, relaxed, joyous mothers for the whole journey? And if that's not a good enough reason, isn't this state of ease even more important to be ensuring strong neurological pathways are developed beautifully in those first 12 weeks?? And....if the unthinkable happens, aren't we then just not alone??? Forced to talk and supported in our sadness??? And won't the heart hurt anyway, regardless of who knows...?

So here I am, out and proud, 8 weeks and counting....now please excuse me while I rejoice in my 'morning' sickness as it continues to give me daily reassurance that I am in fact, growing life....

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.....


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  • Amanda

    Thank you for sharing this. Even though I have never been pregnant what you say really hits home. A friend of mine has just had her 3rd failed pregnancy. She had an ectopic pregnancy last year which resulted in a blocked tube so when she conceived 2 months ago naturally she was very excited (and rightly so!) and broke the news of her pregnancy at 6 weeks. Sadly at the 8 week mark she miscarried. Now she’s saying if she gets pregnant again she won’t tell anybody until she gets through the first trimester. I can understand why she feels that way but I hate the thought of her going through something like that again with no support. I wish she could see that we care about her immensely no matter which way it goes. We will share her excitement when she conceives again and we will support the shit outta her whether something goes wrong or not! She doesn’t want to disappoint everyone again but to be honest I would be more disappointed that she didn’t share what she is going through – you are so right, the heart will hurt no matter who knows and not telling doesn’t decrease the likelihood. It’s such a tricky thing to discuss – but it is so, so common, yet some women are made to feel as though there is something wrong within them preventing them from having a healthy baby. Your words are very wise! Best wishes to you for a wonderful pregnancy :-)

  • Mel

    Oh wow this is an emotional read, thank-you for sharing, and congratulations.. big love to you x

  • Michelle

    I know the feeling exactly. After so many failed cycles when I finally got pregnant I was just waiting for the bad news to come. (To be honest I’m still waiting). At our 7 week scan I was sure there would be no heart beat, I was clammy and anxious. Imagine our shock when we discovered not one but TWO heart beats flickering on the screen! I am currently 21 weeeks with twin boys. Still anxious but it’s getting easier everyday.

  • Nicole Tran

    Oh Summer so glad everything is okay ❤️

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